God grant me the Serenity......

Its been six months since my brothers passing, it has been very hard. I have learned to cope with death in my own way for the past six months. I have consumed myself in school, my children, church, relationships and anything that gets my mind off the fact that his death has become my reality. I know he has passed and when I found out, I took on the role of arranging and planning things for his funeral. It kept my mind off the fact that Ross was no longer with us and more of a task at hand that needed to get done with the arrangements. What really cemented it for me was not his funeral, it was seeing a picture my father showed me of his gravestone. That did it for me. In May my father took a picture of him standing in-front of his plot for memorial day.

The plot in the ground with my brothers name on it with grass around it. That was an experience, kind of like that moment as a kid when you are swinging on the monkey-bars and you lose your grip and fall hard unexpectedly. You know that feeling when the wind is knocked out of you. You sit there panicked and frozen. That would be the emotion to describe that particular moment in my life.

Dealing with death is a lot like learning to walk, uncertain of things in a new environment. Scared to venture out without the safety net of a cushion to fall back on. As the days move forward your choice is either to get up and find your balance and move forward. Knowing that even though you move forward and place one foot in front of the other, there will be days you will be knocked down. You just have to get up and attempt it again, your walks will be strides, your strides will be a jog, and one day your jog will be a run, then you will be in the race again, running towards your own finish line in life.

When my brother passed lots of people asked if Ross suffered, as this was so unexpected.  In all reality isn't death expected. There are two things that are certain in life, Life and Death. As far as suffering, what defines suffering? A terminal illness, mental illness, injustice, pain? We all have pain we all suffer in an unjust world. 

Does anyone ever really accept death and embrace it when their loved one's have passed? Those who have their faith know that their life is much more than this trivial time we have on earth and relish in the fact that eternity awaits for us all. Just what eternity that awaits is between you and God. "Matthew 7 vs 21", is the verse that I heard for years and it never made sense to me. Then one day I got it. I repented and gave my life to Christ in February of 2010.

A couple of months ago I bought the serenity prayer it was so beautiful and it was framed. I finally hung it up yesterday. It reminds me to not lean on my own understanding rather to just, "Let go, let God." 

Which brings me to where I was going with this long post. As I started walking at night to put my baby asleep in his stroller. I look into the apartments as I walk by, I mean if your blinds are open and I am walking by its not really peeping right? I see the people who have made their apartments as their homes with nice furnishings, then I see the apartments with the clutter, the mismatched furniture, empty and bare walls. Each home has a story, I am not judging just reflecting, helping me figure out my own path.

I really never settled in my apartment(s) by really making it my own. Paint on the walls, picking out furniture, you know doing what big people do?! I always knew in my heart that I would not be here for a long time  9 years and counting , so it didn't matter what I had because I knew this was just temporary.  I always knew I would be in a home, my definition of home is a house. Now I realize I need to start to learn to walk in the blessings God has given to me. I might be struggling with my own wants but for now my place is my home.  Where my boys laugh and sing, fight and scream, kiss and hug me, dance and color on the walls. The I loves you and the precious fingerprints all over my home. Its where I see the welcome mat when I take off my shoes.