Its not the day that makes it wonderful, its YOU

First I would like to say HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all of you, even the single mommies who have to put on those DADDY shoes and act as both at times, as well as the single daddies, who had to become domesticated and made things work with out a partner.

Today was one of the saddest father's day I have had to date. This was the first Father's day I was unable to celebrate all the wonderful men in my life, how I wanted to. My boys were with their father and my youngest was with me.

I dropped the ball. My sweet loving man in my life had me check flights so he could book the tickets for NY but to first go to farecast.com to see what the rates would look like. The site was 80% sure the tickets would drop by $50 or more so I was advised to wait. Tickets then were $580-$770 for traveling 10-15 hours there and back. Normally a flight is between $300-4 something and is 5 hours to NY and 6 hours returning home. I feel so bad I should have just booked the ticket. I feel absolutely horrible as this was my love's first father's day without his son. I feel bad and it caused a really big divide today.

This also explains why I was alone as my mother and step father made plans based on my information to be out of town they took note and will be returning later this evening. My father wanted to be alone today didn't help either

Today  marks six months of my brother's passing. Last year was our last fathers day that my father,  my brother, and I would be celebrating all together. I have four siblings from my fathers side. However my brother and I were the closest, I don't stay in touch with my two older sisters. I really don't know them and to be honest we all don't care to know each other either. One half sister is 8 years older than me, my other half sister is 15 years older than I am. My brother and I were 7 years apart.

This has been very hard for my father. Which is why I didn't spend much time with him today, per my father's non verbal and verbal ques. He didn't want to celebrate today. I don't blame him. However I wanted to honor my father today. I brought lunch and we ate it, he didn't want to go out. My 9 month old, my father and I all enjoyed our brief but filling visit.

It was sp cute how my son jumped into his grandpa's arms and put his head down on my fathers shoulder as my father gently rubbed his head. The bond between a father and a son can never be broken, replaced, or replicated. I wondered for a brief moment when my father closed his eyes if he was imagining 39 years ago holding my brother and rocking him? My father looked so peaceful and was just so quiet. I cried for my father inside but smiled with peace in the same breath. My father a strong man still distraught by this, we all are. We shared funny stories about my brother and just who he was. It was a bit awkward because we sat knowing just a year ago on this day he was with us.

Every time before a major holiday or a birthday my older brother Ross would call me, "WAZ UP Chicken?" "What are we doing for dad?" I loved those calls, those simple calls I would always take for granted as I expected to get many more of those in the future. Last year before fathers day was different, he didn't call me the night before he called my father. The plan was to meet up with us. I took my dad to breakfast and we were supposed to meet my brother for a movie. Lots of phone tag and miscommunication, as I was not in the loop and could not get a hold of my brother.  I thought all was lost when I arrived at the movie theater with no communication from my brother.

My father loves movies. I wanted to stay local but he wanted to drive up to the theater that has many shows playing. My idea of going to see a movie is just that A MOVIE.  My father likes to  A LOT of movies. I was 6 months pregnant and just finished watching two movies back to back and I was done. My father  played the card, "Its' fathers day please I want to see one more." So I being the good daughter said OK but I wanted more popcorn, soda, and candy. He said I was pushing it with the candy. At least I got the popcorn and soda. Even though I paid, he allowed me to have it. As I was on a restricted diet during my pregnancy.

We walked to the OTHER side of the theater and as my walked into this movie the trailers were playing. The lights were dim and my father went in first to make sure I wouldn't fall over and found a seat for us. As I looked back after taking my seat, who do I see but my brother three rows back to the middle. I texted him and said I see you, love your stalker. He texted back and we sat together and even went to lunch after with my father. One of the best fathers day. One of the last with one of my favorite people, my hero my protector my older brother Ross.

I praise God for the people in my life; three healthy boys, fabulous family and friends. I am like the rest of us, unsure what tomorrow may bring, but I am counting my blessings I got to see today.

Happy Father's Day!